I feel that I have been suckered into a never ending state of ‘want’ and this has took me to a dark place which I now understand and want to share with whoever wants to listen.
Let me start off with a simple explanation of what I am going to try and talk about…
In short, I’m fed up of chasing things to make me happy.
What do I mean by this? I have been searching for external ‘things’ to make me happy. I look forward to the latest gadgets, games, materialistic items and even bodybuilding. I have constantly wanted to better myself as most humans do, but this has been my downfall that has made me generally unhappy.
I found that the ‘want’ is much more exciting than the ‘have’. I want the latest game and look forward to it for months and when I finally get it, I realise it’s not what I thought It would be and it wasn’t really what I wanted, this then leads me to wanting the next new game and so on. The same concept goes for just about everything I have ever wanted and then got.
So how does this fall into what I like to talk about on my blog? It’s like this… I started my journey to just lose a bit of fat, I then decided I wanted to further progress and build a tiny bit of muscle. This then led me to believe I could become something my dreams were made of. I changed my diet, searched for knowledge on how to change my physique to where I wanted to be. I strived for more, although I was always in my best shape daily, I was just never satisfied. When I got to a satisfied shape, I then started to want to lift more and so on.
I took a picture of myself in the gym the other day and noticed that my changes were minimal over the last year or so and I have come to reality that if I don’t take steroids, I’m never going to really change externally. I also know that once I start a small dose of steroids, I will then need more and more and more. When will I be happy? When I can’t run due to too much muscle mass? When I snap all my body up and end up quitting the sport due to injuries? The other question is, what are my goals? My goals are simply to be happy within my temple, my body. How am I meant to be happy if I keep wanting more?… I can’t stand competing and all the complete rubbish politics that go with all that. If I don’t like competing, then why not do it for just me!
I have been happy with my body for a quite a while now. I’m certainly not saying I’m better than anyone else, I’m simply saying that I am in a happy place. I will never stop going to the gym and challenging myself with diet etc, although I am happy with how I have changed over the years I’ve been into fitness.
I’ll never give up pushing myself within reason, as I don’t want to go back to the old me and so that is the reason to not give up. An easy way for me to explain this is like so, I wasn’t happy and needed to make a drastic change for my health. I started lifting and last year before planning on that show, I was happy. I was very happy and started to love myself externally. My accomplishments were something I never thought I would reach on a personal level. If I were to just stop training now, I would slip back into a bad place, meaning the last several years have been a waste of time. Lifting weights is much more for me than being better than the person next to me. I simply do it because it makes me happy and gives me discipline. I also feel that I am destined to help people through the means of what I have learnt about my mind and body.
What am I going to chat about next?
Internal happiness. Yep, that’s my goal that I hope to reach it before I die. I hope to be able to sit in an empty room and wish for nothing more and nothing less. I want to be happy in my head, I want to be satisfied and grateful for what I have at any given time. I have spent all my life trying to be happy from chasing materialistic ‘things’ that only make me happy temporarily and that’s no good for me.
I still want ‘things’ and I will enjoy ‘things’, I just won’t be chasing the rabbit to make me happy. I’m on the pursuit for happiness within and I’m sure I will find my way of being satisfied and happy to wake up everyday.
I have a few things in my life that I’m trying to incorporate more and I hope to become one with my self and simply live better. I know that the ‘want’ is not going to make me happy, as I will get what I want and then want more. This has left me dissatisfied all my life. I need to find out how to be happy from within.
I’m not trying to preach anything at all, I’m simply typing on my blog to make myself realise what I need to be happy. I also need to stress that I’m very happy at the moment and that’s why I can type this up with a clear head. My family are all good and well, I’ve found a brother from another mother that I feel a strong connection with and all this together has raised awareness of what I need to do to be
happy balanced mentally.
I didn’t realise how much my life has changed through bodybuilding and now I’m starting to bring my life together from the outside to inside and if It wasn’t for the people we have met from the sport, I would never have been enlightened in the way I am now. My new ‘brother’ was also there from the beginning of it and it’s took all these years for us to bond the way we have.
I’m three weeks into cutting fish and meat from my diet. My body fat is dropping and I’m really happy with my diet. It’s much more exciting than my old ‘meaty’ diet. Again, I’ve gone meat free because I want to, that is all really.
I’m in the pursuit for happiness and that must come from within…
I was very happy with the first picture at the time. I felt I’d come along way to get to where I had then. I wouldn’t change a thing about my journey and will continue to do what I need to do. As for competing on stage again, I hope that will never happen. I’m far more satisfied being in my own gym and enjoying the moment I have there and then… (Things change though and I do need to do things I don’t like, for reasons I may not yet understand) second picture was this week before training legs…
The bottom picture is something I really aimed for ever since I seen it when I was a teen. This body that was just a complete dream back then, although I didn’t understand the very basic principals of lifting weights or diet. I’m not saying I’m anywhere near on par with Snipes, however I should just be happy with my progress towards this physique and to not start looking at more enhanced bodybuilding physiques and working towards them, so I can then look up at the next physique and so on…
What about now? Why not have goals and aims?
Goals and aims are good, they keep us going and give some sort of focus/direction in life.However, that is all in the future and looking to far ahead is just a way of passing my life away in the now.
Have you ever been looking forward to something in the future, so much that you forget about living in the present? And as for the past… that’s gone and there nothing you can do to change it.
For me to win the greatest achievement in the world through my physique would be lovely, however, being happy daily is far more important to me, my family and friends. I’m sure that once I conquered the world and was happy for a short time, I would then find myself trying to stay on top and inevitably making me unhappy when I come gliding back down for whatever reason. Wouldn’t it be a life accomplishment to just be truly happy within? To have a balanced mind without the roller coaster ups and downs?
I understand people will think I’ve lost the plot reading this (all 1 of you) and I accept that, as I would have thought the same just a few months back… I am actually in a good enough place to give my first of many posts for my pursuit of happiness mentally and physically…